The Idea Of Love
By Jaylen Adams, Wisteria Magazine
If we had to choose a word both incredibly infuriating and naturally soothing, I would choose no word other than love. Love, or some version of it, was what brought the Fall of Troy. It ushered in new civil rights, as seen in the case of Mildred and Richard Loving. It is the ink of thousands of mythologies, the motivator of millions of stories…. And we’re doing wrong. To be fair, we might have always been doing it a little wrong. Marriage, for the better part of history, has been a staple of economic advancement. It was the equivalent of a treaty between families instead of anything of substance. The idea of love for a reason to wed was only popularized in the United States, partly due to the American Revolution showcasing ideals of the Enlightenment. So, as long as history has stretched, love-matches are a relatively new concept. It’s no wonder then that we are so bad at it.
Even then, marriage was never exactly perfect. Women in the United States were historically allowed very few rights, delegated to the household, and in some states, could not divorce unless it was proven in the court of law that their husband was not financially providing. Even today, as women find their footing in society and non-heterosexual matches are made, 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce. A concept so popular and considered necessary for a happy life… is incredibly difficult to achieve and maintain. We have to ask ourselves why and how this happened.
All of us want to be loved. It’s in our very nature to crave affection and endearment. Studies show that babies deprived of contact, especially during the first six months of life, grow up to be psychologically damaged. Notice then how the focus is on being loved instead of on loving. It isn’t wrong to want that… who wouldn’t? It’s in our very nature. Yet our culture has become enamored with making one’s self the maximum level of lovable, especially in the perceived absence of love. For instance, when someone is broken up with, what do they do? Chances are, they chase after their “glow up.” They get a better job, hit the gym, dress better, and post it all for their idiot ex to see.
It’s not wrong to want to do better, but when we have an entire population more focused on receiving rather than giving… Well, the dating pool begins to look a little shallow. This also isn’t to say that most people don’t give love. In fact, that’s a problem too. People will co-sign car loans, share their life savings, go above and beyond if sufficiently infatuated. Girls will give their minds, bodies, and souls. Boys will sacrifice and struggle. And it will be for a relationship of two months, as if it is expected of them to want to ‘persevere’ instead of just… leave. There’s a delicate balance between too much focus on loving and too much focus on being loved.
The expectations are unrealistic. We want flowers, but we don’t want to ask because ‘if they wanted to, they would.’ We want the Wattpad story, the AO3 romance. We want the highest collection of social benefits --- someone attractive, intelligent, a good future, who also somehow knows exactly what we want when we want it. And it has to be only for us. We are their best friends. We always ride in the passenger seat. We are the only pictures they can like. It’s as if the existence of support systems or a life outside one’s partner has completely vanished.
We take everything so… personally. We rush into things. We don’t look for more. Unfortunately, not every relationship works out. Giving more won’t change that. Making it your mission to become the hottest they’ve ever had won’t either. Likewise, relationships take time. You probably didn’t form an intimate connection with your hook-up. Your friendships are just as important as your romance. One person is not enough of a support group. And no, relationships between men and women do not have to reek of sexual tension. Of course, not everyone needs to hear this. Maybe it’s only one of you. Even so, everyone should listen to the poet Rumi when it comes to matters of the heart: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
